A letter from one Arab to the "chosen people" of Israel - Ou yalla!

Dear "Chosen" People of Israel, 

Hello, or should I say, Shalom? I don't mind. I recently wrote two letters, and this is the third. Why? I woke up yesterday to see you have trained your dogs to bite those who say Allah Akbar. 

Ok, so first of all. Allah Akbar! Wink. Don't worry. I'm wearing my dog repelling perfume. I call it, IsraeliDogsAreStupid. It's also water.

Right now, I'm writing you, not the dogs, but the people of Israel, in the name of humanity, as a human myself at times, simply to tell you what I think, should you choose to accept my words and my opinions. It's addressed to you by me because again, I'm human, and you are too I guess, despite popular belief, and since, according to my knowledge of course, you guys too believe in One god. You don't believe in hell, which is cool. You believe you are God's "chosen" people, that's your right. 

You want to defend "your" land against those who want to harm it, brilliant, so do all of mankind. You speak of peace and how you have been wronged in the past over and over again. You're probably right. Most of the demands you declare to the public are awesome, but let's try to compare the demands you are projecting onto the world, and your "actual, real world" actions. More on that later, it's my letter so it's cool. Eric Cartman, a character I love, used to say my favourite line of all time. "Whatever, I do what I want"! - He's also fat and lazy. So am I. Let's talk about life for a second, and the want to live it in peace and harmony. Cool, "chosen" folks? 

To be very clear, I'm not talking about your government, zionism, or any movement what so ever. I really don't know politics and quite frankly I don't understand it. I'm talking to you as an insignificant part of God's creation, to you, the people, of Irsael, who in my opinion, are also (with all due respect) an insignificant part of God's creation. I don't get why people need to hold "press conferences" and speak in a proper way when they can just say what they think nowadays, and it will reach people at the click of a button, provided people like it and agree with it's content. 

In fact, I think we should all have a public parliament virtually. Online. It's easy. Facebook pages perhaps? I don't know. And really, I'm talking to you in hopes that it would reach you all, wherever and whomever you may be, because despite what most people around me say, despite the fact that most people I know, cannot even bare to discuss you in a conversation simply because they cannot bare to think about the crimes of your government, I reached my boiling point and quite frankly, I just want to say what's on MY mind. 

My blog anyway, so it's cool. You're free to read on and be objective, or close the browser now and unleash your armies on my behind. I'm here. In Jordan. My name is Hassan Hamoudi. I'd give you my phone number but I don't like to hear it ring a lot. But my nickname is Arab Number 7. Why? I like the number seven, and I feel I don't even have to explain myself to you. We're not really friends.

My real friends, who in my mind we chill all the time, at Facebook, Google, Apple, and even all of China, made everything so easy and cheap to the extent it's "socially unacceptable" to not own a smart phone. I personally own an iPhone, and before being introduced to Apple, I used to hate technology despite working with it. I used to think of the world as too complicated and that I'll never be able to do anything. Then, one day I went on Facebook and on my timeline (or wall, or whatever, sup mark?) there it was. The speech that changed my life once and for all. It was a brilliant speech by Steve Jobs addressed to the younger generation at their graduation party.

Steve Jobs, as brilliant as he was, chose not to write fancy words or poetry or anything of the sort. He simply told them his story in three parts, in his own very simple language. The main moral of the stories he told, and the one that I really want you to focus on is this: "You can only connect the dots going backwards." 

Well, today is my own graduation party, and this is my own commencement speech. I didn't even go to my own graduation party in college so it's cool, I'll just write my letter to you and hope that I will be rewarded, since my basic principle in life, as it is the principle of most people with the most basic degree of logic, is: "send/receive". TCP/IP much? Internet? Ants? Nature? Cosmos? Whatever, I'll choose to believe in that, makes more sense. You probably believe in "/receive." - Sure, the internet works brilliantly that way. Geeks, confirm please. Or don't. You guys are weird anyway. I like you that way.

The most brilliant man in my opinion to ever change the course of mankind, was our own prophet, Mohammad, may your prayers and mine be upon him, and hopefully, the prayers of all of mankind one day. Sure, I may not follow what he taught me to the letter, but I guess that's cool. I make mistakes and ask for forgiveness. I ask the party that I intentionally or unintentionally inflicted pain upon for forgiveness. When I go against the wishes of my god simply because I succumb to my humanly instincts, that he installed within me to begin with, I say sorry, and hope that I would be forgiven. Because boy do I sin a lot.  I even speak to my God the way I usually speak. Arabic, English, whatever. I tried speaking the fancy stuff but I failed miserably. 

When I hurt my friends or family because they hurt me first, I then come back and say sorry. Not because I'm weak or anything, but really, I feel that we will all do mistakes and we will all say sorry. I do believe this to be a natural instinct just as breathing, eating, or playing doctor and nurse. Even doctors should learn to say sorry and not believe they know everything, because me, as an "X" cancer patient, knew more about my illness and ways to help myself more than any doctor ever could. Why? It's my body. My soul. I heal it the way I want, with the help of doctors, not "under" the command of doctors.

Enough about me for now, what's up with you? Look around you, I've never been to Palestine but I hear it's awesome. Brilliant food, brilliant nightlife, water bodies, beautiful women, music, and pretty much everything any man or woman could ever want. You have every right to "want" to live there forever. I know I probably would too if I could go there. But I'll ask my questions again, sitting in my shorts, in my own room, in a country generous enough to give me a residency despite the repeated offences of my official representatives, and all I ask of you is to try and really, and I mean really, think about the answer(s). Look around you, what do you see? 

Do you see walls everywhere? Do you see pain being inflicted upon you and everyone you love? Do you feel afraid that a crazy Arab would come to your house and bomb the living bejeezes out of you? Are you still using what one man did to you ages ago as an excuse for everything you're doing? Did you just train "police dogs" to "bite" whoever says "Allah Akbar"? Dogs? Did a person from within you, go up the stand, in your own parliament, and say, with no fear at all, "Allah Akbar upon you"? Was he bitten by your police dogs? 

Are you truly unable to see why not only Arabs, but the whole world, feels sorry for you and for all of those around you? Do you not see what your government is doing to themselves first, their own people second, and the whole world at large? Are you dying for a cup of Starbucks coffee, but can't have any, because Starbucks declared "your" chosen land "not suitable for business" in 2003 or something?

I'm not sure if you have Starbucks there now, and I don't care, since obviously you won't let me come visit. Do you think this is justice? Do you feel happy right now? Or are you unable to smile? Do you feel sad and ashamed? You probably are, if you are still human. 

One final question. If God is all mighty and just. Why would he make his own chosen people scared of their own shadows? Why would he make you, against your wishes, go to training camps and recruit you in armies? Why would the great God of justice, inflict upon you a fire, and then the wrath of an emotional nation who want to kill you in your sleep? 

I have an answer of my own. You are not God's chosen people. This is probably news to you, but it's not really news to the rest of the world. My god, and probably the god of all those who believe in justice, created us all equally. Let me tell you what I believe, you guys found no home in a world filled with injustice, and then your survival instincts kicked in, and then you, for some bloody reason, began inflicting the same injustice that had befallen you onto others.

You probably thought it was fair. You probably thought that you would make us tremble in fear and that you would eventually be happy and chill and not train dogs to bite people. I guess you missed the point. Time to recalculate and think again? Your choice. 

The point, in my own personal opinion again, is that we are all God's chosen people. Why do I think so? We function the same way. We all breath, drink, eat, and do naughty things sometimes. We sometimes feel bad, and that's been the norm for quite some time now, and all we really want is peace. Shalom Chaver, a song I really love by a singer of your own people, means "Peace, my friend" - according to my knowledge. 

You want peace, and we want peace. The only difference between you and I is that you have physical armies and mean dogs, I have "over nine thousand" armies built in my MacBook pro. You want to kill other people, that your God and mine created to begin with? That's cool.

I want to write letters, sing songs, make movies, or even watch Southpark. I love south park. A show that once featured my own prophet. The show is funny. The show has logic. I'm man. I'm both logical, and emotional. You guys are emotional and not logical at all. Why you ask? Let me tell you. 

Angels and demons. Light and sound. Sky and earth. Sun and moon. Sea and land. Gardens and deserts. Right and wrong. And finally, male, and female. Adam and Eve? Believe in those? Following the same "logic" all of mankind preaches, you should see where I'm going with this. 

Heaven and hell? Reward and punishment? Oh right. You don't believe in hell, even though in my opinion, you're living in your very own hell. Right, naturally it is your right to believe anything you want, just as it is my right to argue your logic, that you again, made very very public. 

What about the scale? Justice? Law? It has two sides, no? Did you ever see a one-sided scale? It won't even be called a scale anymore. It would probably be called a "one-sided-not-so-much-a-scale". We have two eyes. Two eyes see better than one. Two ears, two kidneys, and the list goes on and on.

We all have an angel and a devil within. You? You think you don't. You're one-sided, one-eyed, and frankly, unbalanced. "A3war el Dajjal" anyone? I don't know, makes sense to me. My opinion, of course.

We are all created equally, and in pairs. Why? To balance each other out I think. According to my own personal beliefs, true or not I don't really care, I like them, if life was all angels and sunshine and good stuff, we won't even appreciate the good stuff anymore. I like to swim, but then when I finish my very short swim, simply because I don't like to move a lot, I then like to drink a very cold beer on a very awesome beach. I'm an Arab, a Muslim, and I might go to hell. That's between me and my God. That's what religion is really about I guess, a direct relationship with the creator. And I'm free to do or say whatever it is I desire to do or say. And really, all I desire is peace, and I'm always "trying" to find cool ways in which I can express myself. Unleash my own demons, per se.

However, if I didn't believe in hell and I knew that regardless of everything I do, I will go to heaven, I will start to do crazy, and quite frankly, stupid shit. I'll hurt others simply because "I'm right" and won't even think about saying sorry. Or worse yet, I'll just sit in my home praying to my God and don't care about building the earth nor anything else.

Even if I don't believe in hell, I most probably will follow the basic rules of humanity simply because I'm human, but then again, it is my opinion that all mankind need limits. Because quite frankly, nothing is truly unlimited. Until you guys came along. You are "chosen" after all.

Your, in my opinion, idiotic belief so far got you, and really the whole world, into so many trouble. Ours too at times. Come to think of it, any illogical or irrational belief is destined to really hurt mankind. Some logical people choose to no longer believe in a creator nor a religion, I probably did too at some point, but then I looked at things differently. 

Being a "gamer" who used to play world of warcraft, counter-strike, call of duty, and all that jazz, and in light of the fact that God is often regarded as the ultimate designer, I started asking myself some questions while following the same logic I use in any RPG game, and really, isn't life the most awesome RPG game ever built?

You play a role. You interact with people. And sometimes you get rewards, sometimes you crawl into a fetal position and cry your heart out. So, questions? I have a lot. Here are some:

Why did God's "true" chosen people, the prophets, including Moses, Jesus, and Mohammad, peace be upon them all, used to say sorry all the time? Just for the purposes of saying it, or was it because prophets sometimes made mistakes as well? Why do we try to be perfect when our own God told us very bluntly that we will never be perfect, nor just, and we will never know everything because it is he who is all knowing, all seeing. My dear chosen people, try as you may, but my guess is that you will never be perfect, nor just.

Guys, to be quite honest with you, I don't even know where I will be one hour from now. That's the beauty I guess. To live life, do your part, and then "hope" for a reward of any kind. A veggie platter, a beautiful woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, whatever. We are all free to want different things and see things from our own perspective, but it is a must for all mankind to respect all mankind. Do you not agree? 

You probably do. However, the choice, as always, is yours. You're free to train dogs and build armies and recruit beautiful woman and give them guns. The women I personally know do not even need guns to hurt others. They do it with their minds, tongues, and logic. Sure, sometimes they are twisted and they make me want to punch ten babies and dance in a pit of fire, but that's cool, I do that to them at times. It's all about tolerance, a moral again, I learned not by reading thousands of books, but by watching twenty minutes of Southpark. A show I truly, truly love. If I get bitten by an Israeli dog, please feature me in the show. Watch the show already, it's indeed le awesome.

So, I'm on their "bite my behind" list you say? Sure, that's their right, I probably pissed them off. But then again, my dear "chosen" people, I'm really happy now. I'm really happy that I'm in a country that allows me to address anyone, a royal family, an ambassador, or even you guys, despite all of your chosen weapons and secret underground facilities that, according to popular belief, produces super nuclear weapons, killer bees, and mutant ants. You're probably trying to do that too, because you gave yourself no limits against the wishes of God, justice, law, and even the skies and earth. Yes, even skies have limits for crying out loud, facing a wall. Even ask Felix. He'll tell you all about the limits. Or not. Hi Felix, you too should have a blog. Call me. Or not, you're too awesome.

So to recap: You believe in one side of the scale, and not the other. You believe in heaven, and not in hell, and look where that has gotten you. Actually, I refused to believe in hell too at times, but now, my story is different. When I try to put myself in your shoes, and think about how you live your lives and how you are scared all the time, for me this is hell in it's literal sense. You are surrounded by gun "fire" and crazy dogs. Your own government is probably going mad in their own chambers. If this is not hell, I really have no idea what hell is.

Nizar Qabbani, a great Arabic poet, once wrote: "Enni khayyartoki fa ekhtari" - This translates to: "I gave you the choice, so choose." - Simple, yes? That's probably my own message to you. Choose to train dogs to protect you from our words, ideas, and probably, people who want revenge, rightfully so I think. Or, believe that we are all God's chosen people, and invite me, an Iraqi, over for some wine and cheese and beef (separately, I hope), along with my entire Arabic nation. We'll have a blast. We're chill when we're not pissed off. But oh boy, you just pissed us off some more. Dogs? To bite those who say Allah Akbar? What the..

Calm down fellas, their own dogs will probably go insane and bite them in their own behind. Let's write and sing and dance and leave them alone, for now. They are scared shitless I bet. Because probably that's the true god they believe in. Fear. Demons. Sadness. Cry wall? Why the..

I'd like to build a laughing wall, and hang a super awesome Google/Apple TV, and then playback all of Bassem Yousef's episodes. And then some south park. And then music, Mashroo' Laila, I love you.

However, if you choose to stick to your beliefs, again this is your right. But don't blame those around you for wanting to eliminate you entirely of any map. I personally don't like violence because it involves a lot of movements and I'm really chill, but my people are emotional and sad and bloody pissed off.

Even me. Ask those closest to me and they will tell you stories. And according to Mr. Garrison, we have a right to be. We have sand and it's hot and I'm not on a beach. So don't piss us off some more, don't insult our Allah and yours, and seriously? dogs? you ran out of recruits so you resorted to dogs? Seriously? Does this make you feel proud of your government? 

That's fine. I'll follow the same logic and train the cat that I will buy to piss on your flag every time I say "Boomshlakha".  Also, Hummus is not really yours. Zohan is funny, but stop taking credit for everything you poor insecure souls.

I will name her, the cat, "Chanel", because I'm too scared to name her anything else, since it wasn't actually me that named her, rather a "woman" whom I truly love. I am man, and I listen to women all the time. I must be crazy, but with all due respect to most men I know, a lot are still unable to do that. Shame on us. Ok, back to Israel.

So, what now? Are we doomed? Do we unleash nuclear weapons and end the world? What should we do instead? Here's a crazy bloody idea. Let's see if we could "try" to live with each other, all of mankind really, not just you guys. 

You guys? Just stop what you're doing and say sorry, and we just MIGHT, consider living with you. Actually, I'm not too sure that's an option anymore. I really hope it is, provided you come to your senses and apologise to yourselves, the world, and finally, to the families of the people you slaughtered, raped, and burnt. 

Remember? Or are you still scared of the families of those true men and women who did not fear you even when you ran them over with tanks while they were holding stones? Apologise to those who fear only their God, not you nor all of your bullshit. You insulted my God. You have crossed the limit. You are no longer protected by his justice. You are outside of justice. You are outlaws.

In my opinion, right now, and instead of trying to attack, you should be scared for your own lives and everyone else you love. Repent, say sorry, and ask your own God for forgiveness. Your God and mine are not but one, again, in my own personal opinion. 

Finally, remember the child your men with guns once killed? You probably don't. I do, and so does all of Arabs. Mohammad Al-Durra, was his name. Pray to the soul of Mohammad, he lives not only in me, but in all of us. He was a child in his body, small in his size, and defenceless in his weapons, but we are men and we do not fear your dogs, your emotional speeches, nor your men lookalikes.

Actually, think about it. Who's more man, one who says sorry, or the one that continues in whatever wrong he's doing simply because he's too "proud"? Who's more man, the child that died hugging his father, or your own men, who hide behind armoured tanks and robot dogs and are probably checking their Facebook or "MosadBook" for updates of new potential threats? 

An example of such threat could very well be another defenceless child who does not want your tyranny, walls, or even "cry walls" anymore. Honestly, even if you were truly chosen, I don't even want to be anywhere near you. This is again my opinion, and I'm speaking on behalf of my "Arabhood" that somehow died when our music was being silenced, our women were being forced to live different lives, and in light of the darkness, cruelty, and ignorance we sadly treat each other with. I now realise that this Arabhood, or even manhood, should still live, against myself, my family, friends, or anyone else that chose to stop dreaming, doing and gave in to a shitty reality.

We are out in the open. We are here. Iraqis, Jordanians, Syrians, Lebanese, Egyptians, and all of Arabia. We are idiots and we get carried away. Don't let us get carried away. Say sorry, and stop your bullshit, you goddamn idiots.

We are the speakers of truth. We are people, like you, except we are also human, unlike you. Of course, I could be wrong, and this is my opinion, and I love you mommy. And please, I'm just speaking on my own behalf, no need to rally up the troops. They are already scared, really. Besides, this is my opinion, so before you get too emotional, try to think logically about your next steps both as a human and as a representative of your country and mankind at large.

And as I began this letter, I shall end it the same way, but in a different tongue. And in my opinion, a simpler tongue than yours. 

Al-Salamo Alaykom, wa Rahmato Allah wa Barakatoh. Peace be upon you, and the mercy and blessings of Allah. If you allow it to be, of course. 

Fix your scale. Fix your eyes. And fix your weapons. Fire is not as strong as mud. We are all men and women of mud, and we shall extinguish all of your fires with everything we have. You think the worst is over? No my loves. The worst is coming, and it's coming very fast. And if not on the ground, probably digitally. 

We are the digital age. And anyone can reserve the domain "DogsThatAttackMuslims.com" but basically, any ISP can block it. Or better yet, we can close the browser. It has an "X" button. Wink wink.

Land of peace. Yeah right. You made it the land of eternal struggle. Shame on you, and quite frankly, shame on all of those who "understand" you but are too scared of you. Obama, seriously man? Sup dawg? Allies? Helloo? Say something, your favorite child is going insane and is now making their dogs insane too. I love dogs, leave them alone you cry babies.

PS: Arabs often regard Israel as their "cousins". I heard it as a child, teenager, and a man. "Wlaad il 3am" they call them. Ok, so basically, following the logic of a family. Let me ask you, my fellow Arabians, a couple of questions.

If you agree with this story, try to examine your own lives and decisions. Try to see your own scales, and your own armies. Your own walls you built that are now preventing you from living the awesome life you, as a human, are meant to live, in my opinion naturally.

Is your past still haunting you? Awesome. Mine as well. But I choose to learn from it, just because I can.

A "woman", at the age of 15, who went to high school with me, and who also came from PALESTINE, once told me: "My main problem is that I think I'm still living in the past."

A "fifteen" year old girl told me this. She thought about her life, blamed herself, moed on, and she probably says sorry up until this date. Of course, she chose to live abroad, away from you, because you made her feel scared of her own shadows. She worked even as a miner and went into caves and stuff. Bloody hell, even I would be scared of going into a cave!

Fa let me ask you this wo hiek men el akher.. Into kaman, what's up?